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!Thursday, March 09, 2006
wad the hell.. i feel so disgusted by myself.. how cld i smile n say hi to ppl when i am in a fucking bad mood? that's bloody fake n definitely not me.. but i juz behaved in that way.. i am juz freaking tired of being the onli sensible n responsible kid at home.. y can't i juz blow on my top whenever i wan? y the hell do i haf to control my temper n stay calm? juz because i noe if i dun, there will be additonal problems.. coz my sisters will definitely quarrel at least once a week u see.. n once they start quarreling, all the bad stuff come out.. how the hell will u feel? i felt tt my family is sucky n they juz like to hurt each other..
well.. coz i am alwayz controlling, there will be a time when it's filled to the brim n i juz feel like breaking down. n this is the time. coz i am the sensible one at home, i need to uphold tt bloody image n role so there is at least one clear-headed child.. so my mum wun feel tt hurt coz she will think tt at least she haf one who can think.. tt's y i behave the way i reeli is in front of my frens. i am childish, demanding, petty, selfish, fierce n violent. i noe tt well. maybe i am juz attention seeking... but i need u ppl to be ard me.. n i alwayz tot u all will be there to understand me n tolerate my stupid attitude.. n of coz coax n pamper me.. now then i noe.. everyone is occupied with their own stuff.. they wun haf the time to come n make me happy all the time.. so maybe i juz need to coax myself n ask myself to forget it.. if i asks too much, i will be disturbing others.. so.. it's time for me to grow up huh.. now i will learn to shut up n not to bother others.
to continue with my foul mood as mentioned earlier.. i was feeling shitty yesterday already.. n i went offline coz i was feeling mad n sad, n i juz wanna slp! but again.. as usual, a stupid quarrel took place when i have juz fallen aslp... all the shouts n hurting words flying ard.. i heard them, but i am juz too tired to walk out n ask them to stop.. i am mentally tired. thinking back.. i am juz an escapist. trying to escape from all the shit stuff.. so ultimately, i din reeli slp well.. which led to a bloody bad headache today.. as i worked.. i feel more shitty, thinking of the bad things which happened in juz one night.. n today, i can be so suey to be nearly knocked down by a dumb bicycle.. stupid idiot!! i juz feel like yelling at the cyclist " u bloody asshole, can't u see i haf no eyes at the back? i cannot see u behind me k? n u bloody shit plz go n attach the bicycle bell to ur freaking cannot-make-it bicycle!" but i din.. coz i am again.. too tired...
it's overflowing already... i need to let some water flow out.. orelse it will be filled up again veri soon...
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